I was thinking tonight, as they splayed the capture of the 2nd brother of the Boston bombings, across the TV screen at the gym, and then later blared it on the radio, how completely devastated I am by all that has gone on this week. The Boston Marathon bombings. The Texas explosion. And then the other “small-er” issues; my daughters sensitive heart with which she feels hurts from friends so intensely. My friends children who are walking a rough road. Grandparents who are sick. The list goes on.
And I have to tell you, it’s overwhelming.
I said it again and again in my head as I was running tonight. “Lord, let me run for you. Let me run for them. Everyone is looking for good in this world right now. Everyone is looking for support and love. I just want to be a vessel of your love. I just want to be a small piece of support.” So I ran. And I prayed. And inside I cried. Because I don’t understand.
I went to a friends to have dinner and checked my facebook from my phone as I sat on her couch. A woman and friend from church, shared that her grandson had taken his own life on Wednesday. He was supposed to be shipping out to Okinawa the next day. My heart sank a little deeper into despair. The sick feeling, deep down in the pit of my stomach started to form. And my mind was overtaken by all the horrible things happening in this world. I prayed, as the tears streamed down my face with quick intensity. And then my emotions were taken over by anger, hurt, frustration, the complete feeling of incomprehension, and the worst; fear. I let worry sweep over me, like a powerful dust wind, that crops up out of nowhere, just when you’re in the midst of basking in the sun with freshly applied sunscreen. It sticks to you. Blows specks of dirt all over your skin. Flies in your face and eyes, until you have no choice but to retreat out of its path.
I felt lost. Hopeless. Scared. And, I all at once felt such worry for my daughter, who was with her dad and travelling on icky roads. My husband who is currently on the other side of the world. I wondered what all my family members and friends were doing at that moment and prayed for their protection.
I needed to quickly escape the path I was headed down. It was filled with worry and fear. I needed to just as quickly turn around and race back to a place of peace. I don’t want to be seized by fear. And then slowly I started to breath calmly again. And I remembered what I had said earlier, “I just want to be a vessel of your love.” And it hit me. My body is a vessel. This world is not my forever home. The men of this world cannot, as long as I keep my eyes on Him, take my spirit away. God did not say, “Follow me and you will never have tribulation.” In fact He said just the opposite,
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.” And then He proclaimed my favorite part, “In the world you WILL have tribulation. But take heart; I have OVERCOME the world.” John 16:33
Sweeter words could not have spoken to my heart at that moment.
I’m only human. I will still let worry wash over me at times. More often than I would like to admit. But I will choose to turn my worry to God. I will still, without wanting to, let fear invite itself into my head and heart. But I will choose to place my fear in His hands. Because,
And I don’t want to pray for things I don’t want. No one wants that.
I don’t want negative thoughts to dwell within me, when I could be putting my thoughts instead into prayer. I still don’t understand. But it was never my job to. I can only go forward into this life, and put all my trust in Him. Because one day, I will see Jesus face to face. My vessel of a body will be left behind. And I won’t be needing any sunscreen.